No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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