i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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