my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
