You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
