Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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