We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
