i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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