Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
