hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
FUCK WHALES
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
