I'm lost and stupid without you.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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