I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
