I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
