saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
