yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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