My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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