I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
