She just used a chaser for red wine.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
