Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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