i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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