I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
