So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
