life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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