Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
