is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
