i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
