Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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