I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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