he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
