I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
