I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
