he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
