Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
