either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
