Im at strip club and am horny
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
