I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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