I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
