You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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