I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
