in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
