It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Randomize
