your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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