thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
