dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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