Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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