I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
