Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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