Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
