i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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