me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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