Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
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