Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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